The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations,
three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..
refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension,
an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for
the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs
from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my
errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your
telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless
entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you,
choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic,
but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other
person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an
Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY
convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be
shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an
appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer
Password will be communicated to you at a later date
to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to
the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 10
#9. To make a
general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on
hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for
the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your
example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up
of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so
slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in
the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.